August 18

“When life seems to be more than we can handle or when we feel pulled toward our addiction, reconnecting with our Higher Power is a powerful course of action.”

Tools of Recovery, page 18

After years in another program, my life was more unmanageable. I blamed everyone else, including God, and I was in denial about my sex addiction. When things didn’t go my way, I became depressed, anxious, and oftentimes enraged.

One day, I was at a hospital for my father’s chemotherapy. I was worried about him and angry over an argument with my acting-out partner. I felt completely alone. I started texting a program friend, “This ‘let go and let God’ stuff stinks!” I wanted to call and pick a fight with my partner, but there was no cell reception. Fixated on my phone, I wandered the hospital until, finally, I had enough bars. I looked up and saw that I was at the hospital chapel. I lost my breath for a moment. The irony of where I’d ended up jolted me out of myself just long enough. The pit of anger in my stomach began to dissipate.

I sat in the chapel and realized that, when I seek God, even in doubt or anger, I open up a space for God. God can handle my anger, fear, and confusion. Soon, God led me to SAA. I got a sponsor and began working the steps, and amazing changes started in my life. I have a long way to go, but I will keep coming back because the solution to my addiction is a spiritual one.

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When I seek God’s help, I am led in the right direction.