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December 10

“History does not have to repeat itself in my life. I have choices!”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 128

When acting out, I sometimes used the excuse that I had a high sex drive. I would also justify my socially unacceptable behaviours by telling myself I was extremely sexually open-minded. In reality, I was preventing myself from having a true sexual relationship with another human being and ensuring my loneliness and isolation. The phrases “high sex drive” and “open minded” made it sound like I had the power. But the drug of my sex addiction had the power, forcing me to repeat destructive behaviours and pulling me deeper into my own painful world. The only thing that seemed to bring light to that painful world was more acting out.

Finally, I hit rock bottom, came to SAA, and got the principles of the Twelve Steps into my life. I was rocketed out of the hell I was living in. I found more than sufficient substitutes for my acting out: the Twelve Steps, my home group, and service. I discovered true sexual freedom: to go on a date and enjoy being with another human being, to be free to experience the joy of intimacy, to experience true friendship with another. Such things were not truly possible for me before SAA—I had been trapped by my so-called uninhibited nature. Then, in the discipline of sobriety, I found true freedom.

By accepting the boundaries of my abstinence and the selflessness of the Steps, I am free to enjoy the beauty of other people.