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December 27

“We had become so used to defeat and despair that we lost touch with hope.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 28

Coming to SAA, I knew I was insane and had papers to prove it. I had long-term sobriety in another fellowship, working the steps several times but never finding the hoped-for transformation. On Step Two, I said, “Well, God can do anything, so I guess God can do this,” while thinking, “Nope. Sanity is not an option; misery and despair are my lot.”

In SAA, this approach to Step Two ended in relapse. Next time around, my sponsor had me dig deep. I realized in Step One that I was also powerless over God. I had been trying to manipulate God to restore me to my definition of sanity, on my terms.

Simultaneously, I was writing letters to God and writing responses from God. A sober sister observed that I seemed angry at God. She suggested an angry letter, so I let ‘er rip. I railed at God about all I had done to get sane, ending with, “What’s up God?!” My Higher Power’s simple reply struck me silent and changed my life: “Who are you to define happiness?”

At that moment, I got it. Recognizing and accepting that I don’t know what sane or happy looks like, I no longer had to force some artificial construct. I surrendered my sanity and my definitions of sanity. When I let God set the terms, my sanity was quickly restored to so much more than I had ever hoped for or imagined.

Letting go of my old unworkable ideas opens the path to a new life.