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December 29

“In essence, our shared experience of this Power is one of loving and caring.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 27

After several years of sobriety and recovery, I can still think “control of God” when I hear “care of God.” When I cause hurt by resentment, self-pity, or other character defect, I often balk at admitting my wrongs because I feel I must do so to please God. This stems from shame, the belief that I have to earn God’s love and that I am not intrinsically worthy as I am. It’s the old idea that God is a controlling parent that I must appease in order to keep peace in my home.

One day, my sponsor told me that she thinks of it as turning her will and life over to love. Suddenly, everything changed for me. While the word God can trigger old feelings like shame and fear, love is something I can trust. Love is safe and caring, gentle and strong.

I’m beginning to understand and accept that turning my life over to a higher power, taking inventory, and making amends are not things I must do to earn love, but loving actions I do for myself because they will bring me the most joy and peace in this life. God loves and accepts me as I am, whether I do the actions prescribed in the Twelve Steps or not, but God gently encourages me to follow this path of recovery because it is the most loving thing I can do.

For today, I can turn my will and life over to love.