December 5

“When we are quiet, we become receptive to wisdom that isn’t available otherwise.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 57

I was laid off from a job I dreaded going to but could never get myself to leave. The layoff was my worst fear, but I soon realized it was also a great gift. Nonetheless, every morning, my eyes opened to a wall of anxiety and the questions, “What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I here?”

Through recovery I’ve practiced prayer and meditation. During this time, though, my faith muscles strained under the weight of an unsure future. Prayer and meditation became vital just to face my day.

Through the Steps I’ve learned about my likes, dislikes, and desires. I’ve learned how I block myself and how I can be productive and useful. I am beginning to see the person my Higher Power created me to be. There is great dishonesty in denying that truth and living in fear. For many years my response to fear was paralysis or flight. Sobriety and recovery are about living in the world, part of a greater whole.

In the stillness, my fear and dread burn off. Clear thoughts surface bringing hope, cheer, and, most surprisingly, energy that propels me into action. I spontaneously took benign risks like telling someone what I think I do well, when asked. I sought help at appropriate times and felt healing with every action.

I cannot trade the glimpse of freedom I feel now for the security of a passionless existence. That would be a betrayal of my Higher Power.

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Here I am, God. Where are we going today?