February 11

“By admitting that powerlessness extended to compulsive sexual avoidance, we made it possible to move from a kind of superficial abstinence into deeper sobriety.”

“Recovery from Compulsive Sexual Avoidance”

Superficial abstinence really describes me when I joined SAA. I’d withdrawn from acting-out behaviors right into avoidance of any sexual behavior. I started identifying myself as a sexual anorexic, somehow knowing the description fit. I didn’t grasp how deep it went until I met program members who understand both aspects of the addiction: acting in and acting out.

Losing interest in sex with a committed partner was nothing new to me. Understanding why I cheated, lied, and acted out with everyone but my partner was a revelation. Introverted in the extreme, I recharge my batteries with alone time. But when acting out, I badger myself into acting like an extrovert and tend to connect sexually with extroverts. Talk about setting myself up, not to mention false advertising!

When I read the pamphlet on avoidance, I could honestly say no to only two of the eighteen questions. Hearing other SAA members describe similar behaviors finally got my attention. I began to acknowledge my avoidant behaviors: lack of self-care, self-sabotage, self-mutilation; and sexual, social, and emotional isolation. With better understanding of my addiction—both extremes—I’m more able to recover and find some balance in my life.

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You mean my Higher Power might actually want me to enjoy healthy sexuality?