February 19

“In our addiction we held onto the belief that we were in control of our sexual behavior and could successfully manage our lives.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 22

It wasn’t until I started to work the SAA program that I could finally admit I had a problem. My sex addiction was destroying me. It was out of control. Like a caged wild animal, my acting out behavior had broken free and I was completely powerless to stop it. I had to admit defeat and let go in order to see how insane I had become. My resistance, though, was strong. My sex addiction has always been grounded on one fundamental human need: safety.

As a survivor of childhood incest, I was never safe. By acting out, my primary instinct was to gain control over people, places, things, and myself. I tried to play God and successfully run my sex life in the only way I knew—to win. Step One teaches me the miracle paradox of recovery: to truly win, I must admit defeat. Only by admitting and ultimately accepting that I am 100% powerless over my sex addiction and that my life is unmanageable, can I begin the life-saving journey of the Twelve Steps. I can now accept that the moment I begin to practice Step One, I won. I let go of my way, which never worked, and allowed my Higher Power to heal me from the inside out.

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Step One grants me the humility I need to let go of control and trust my Higher Power.