“In our addiction we held onto the belief that we were in control of our sexual behavior and could successfully manage our lives.”
Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 22
It wasn’t until I started to work the SAA program that I could finally admit I had a problem. My sex addiction was destroying me. It was out of control. Like a caged wild animal, my acting out behavior had broken free and I was completely powerless to stop it. I had to admit defeat and let go in order to see how insane I had become. My resistance, though, was strong. My sex addiction has always been grounded on one fundamental human need: safety.
As a survivor of childhood incest, I was never safe. By acting out, my primary instinct was to gain control over people, places, things, and myself. I tried to play God and successfully run my sex life in the only way I knew—to win. Step One teaches me the miracle paradox of recovery: to truly win, I must admit defeat. Only by admitting and ultimately accepting that I am 100% powerless over my sex addiction and that my life is unmanageable, can I begin the life-saving journey of the Twelve Steps. I can now accept that the moment I begin to practice Step One, I won. I let go of my way, which never worked, and allowed my Higher Power to heal me from the inside out.
Step One grants me the humility I need to let go of control and trust my Higher Power.