February 23

“Best of all, the secret is out. There’s something liberating about sitting in a room announcing to others … that I am a sex addict.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 192

I recently gave my First Step presentation to my home group for the second time. The contrast between this and the first time couldn’t have been more dramatic. The first time, I felt like the narrative was radioactive. It was hard to make myself work on it. It was like my computer had a repelling force as I sat in front of it. I left out major parts of my sex addiction story. And, I felt triggered for several weeks afterwards.

After later hearing a First Step that went into details very much like those I left out, I felt encouraged to look at mine again. I was eager to write down the details I had omitted. I was still fearful beforehand, but there was practically no sense of being triggered before or after. Instead, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I felt raw and vulnerable while giving it the second time, but I was floating on a cloud for days afterwards.

The walls were down, the shameful secrets were out, my burden of shame is lighter, much lighter. What a release! This is the miracle of the Steps.

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My secrets are toxic. To let the light in, to be known and still accepted, is healing.