February 28

“Healthy sexuality is a spiritual experience that is worth working for.”

“Abstinence”

In Sex Addicts Anonymous, our inner circle consists largely of “addictive sexual behavior” or “acting out.” According to my sponsor, for me, that included masturbation and fantasy.

My addiction was hardcore, the acting out hardcore, the fantasies hardcore. I did and thought about doing things—some illegal, many extreme—since I was very, very young.

I signed on to my sponsor’s inner circle definitions because he knows how denial works. For a person like me, there wasn’t room for half-measures. I had to accept that I had to turn over all of my sexuality to a Higher Power if I was going to ever have a loving, healthy relationship.

For me, giving up fantasy, and masturbation—let alone the porn, prostitutes, and hook-ups—has given me clean time—years of it. For twenty-five years, I thought this was impossible. Now it’s come true. Sobriety unfolds for me only in honest abstinence. I am not numbing out with sex. One day I can know a loving sexuality with someone else, in commitment and intimacy, because I am sticking with the program that has been laid out for me by those who wouldn’t cosign my addict.

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A hardcore spiritual change awaits me through hardcore surrender. The anguish does become replaced with love.