View all:  Voices of Recovery

February 7

“In writing about envy, we may look at all of the ways we compare our insides with the outsides of others.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 35

Looking back, I see how my life crawled forward from a lonely, isolated childhood, through a self-conscious adolescence, and finally into an adulthood where envy was always a passenger on life’s bus. I did not compare myself from a standpoint that others were smarter, stronger, better looking, or more popular, but more so from what I saw when viewing my image in life’s mirror. I saw a lanky scarecrow, a runny-nosed kid who wore tweed jackets and a bowtie. I had taught myself to dislike this image.

Over the years, I kept the impression that I was still the little boy I had perceived as ugly. In this prison, I avoided close friendships, belittled my abilities, and found reasons to fail. In this whirlwind of self-deprecation, my sex addict found his home.

My work in recovery has brought many gifts, some immediately obvious and others growing subtly in the background. Of the subtle gifts, a growing acceptance of self has blossomed from the love and acceptance of my friends in the fellowship, and from the love and grace of my Higher Power. This acceptance has allowed love to flow to the surface. Finally, the carnival of madness I call my negative self-perception has vanished. Now, the mirror’s most unpleasant tasks are to check for that annoying spot on my shirt or to see if my tie is straight.

I am a precious child of a loving God. I need not compare myself to others.