“Being a sex addict felt like being trapped in endless contradictions. We sought love and romance, but when we found it, we feared and fled from intimacy.”
Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 6
I never understood why I would avoid sex with my loving, beautiful partner but crave sex with strangers. I would make excuses not to be sexual, then sneak off to masturbate to pornography or act out with prostitutes. I told myself I had sexual needs that others weren’t evolved enough to understand.
I now see the complete insanity of my behavior and the belief system behind it. I wasn’t some special being; I was a sex addict desperately fleeing intimacy, terrified of vulnerability and my own feelings. By acting out, I built walls to keep my partners and friends at a safe distance, and I used porn and sexual obsession to numb myself.
I first discovered true intimacy in the rooms of SAA. I found a safe place to express my feelings and forge true connections with others. I could share from my heart without fear of judgment or ridicule because these people are just like me—imperfect and beautiful, and in the early connections I forged with my sisters and brothers in program, I found my Higher Power.
My sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, but in SAA I learn to be vulnerable and share from my heart. I am safe and no longer alone.
Just for today, I pray for courage to share from my heart.