January 26

“For most of us the First Step was diametrically opposed to one of our core beliefs: that we were in control and if we just tried a little harder or tried one more time we’d have it.”

“First Step to Recovery”

I finally realized my life was unmanageable as I stared down at a pair of yellow socks that looked like someone had skinned a certain cartoon sponge. I was on suicide watch at the local hospital. No one knew where I was. I had been picked up by a police officer and involuntarily committed. They had taken everything: my phone, my computer, even my socks. I had become a non-person.

Up to this point, I had explained away every consequence of my addiction. There was no explaining this away. Without a doubt my acting out had landed me here, wearing yellow socks in a locked mental ward.

I needed this experience to finally face the utter bankruptcy of my own abilities and ideas. Maybe I had never truly been present enough or honest enough to recognize it. This painful moment became the touchstone for my recovery.

I keep the yellow socks to remind me. My admission of powerlessness and unmanageability opened the door for change, and it keeps me coming back and working the program. I am not in control of my disease. Fortunately, I can bring it to my Higher Power and to the tools and fellowship of SAA for expert care.

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For today, I offer my addiction and my life to the loving care of one more qualified.