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January 27

“I only have to be awake enough to notice, or smart enough to remember to turn to God when I need help, or even to express gratitude.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 289

The electricity in my house was out for a short time while the line was repaired. I was in the basement with no windows when the electricity shut off, and I was plunged into darkness. However, I went upstairs where light was streaming in, and things seemed so normal that I promptly forgot I had no electricity. Only when I opened the dark fridge or futilely tried the microwave did I remember. I felt foolish and frustrated as I continued to fail at things I thought I should be able to do. I couldn’t make things happen.

Though I’ve been granted, by the grace of God, a remission from my acting-out behaviors one day at a time for some time, I need to be reminded that I’m also powerless over my intimacy-avoidant behaviors. I can still assume that, on willpower alone, I should be able to let go of my need to control everything and everyone, to open up and share my feelings, and to allow my partner to nurture me emotionally and physically.

But God lets me squeeze the steering wheel until my failures show me, again, where I am powerless. Then I pray for understanding, strength, and help; and seek encouragement and support from program friends. The big difference now is that I am open to the signs and willing to change.

God, give me the courage to love more fully today.