January 3

“We would spend increasing amounts of time in fantasy, which tended to alienate us from others and from a real sense of ourselves.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 70

It seems that much of my fantasy and intrigue, as well as my acting out, served to numb a pain that I don’t understand. I have a fear of seeing who I really am. My behaviors and daydreaming have masked something from others as well. Can it be so hideous that I must hide it at all cost? I experience fear in the prospect of looking under the mask. Sharing with another person I trust helps me with my fear. Reaching out to a power greater than myself assists me in imagining an alternative to gloom.

The familiar track promises more loneliness, frustration, and alienation from others. Each day I get a little older and more isolated. Now what if I set the distractions aside—what if I leave the bubble? Through working the program I have much to gain: inclusion in a nurturing fellowship and, eventually, society as a whole. I may well be shocked (in a nice way) to experience what is at the core of my being.
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I endeavor to discover my true self by peeling away the layers one step at a time.