June 14

“And yet to let go of control, even a little, struck fear in many of our hearts.”

“Recovery from Compulsive Sexual Avoidance”

Thank you for sharing. I truly heard you when you said, “I was sitting on the floor with the phonebook open to the counseling pages, unable to call for help.” I too looked through the Yellow Pages but could not call. Why yellow? Maybe to reflect my fear of what might happen if I told the truth to anyone, let alone myself.

I even walked past meetings. I saw people out front and knew we were connected at a deep level. I saw where I belonged, but I could not join. I could not ask for help. That was too hard—impossible pride. I used fear, anger, cowardice, and shame to stay imprisoned, far away from my true self.

It was easier to chase the thrill that promised release if only for a moment. Once again I surrendered my freedom for a meaningless moment, and too soon the burden was back. I then returned to the seclusion of my shame, heavier than the phone I could not pick up.

Thank God for the desperate, unguarded moment when I could bear this pain no longer, yet somehow knew I deserved to live—the moment I finally asked for help.

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Could you ever have imagined that we would all be here together at this time?