View all:  Voices of Recovery

May 10

“Many find it beneficial to do a personal sexual history, including an exploration of sexuality in their family of origin.”

“First Step to Recovery”

When I was young, my brother touched me in ways that felt tingly and warm. When I protested, he would hold me down and continue. I knew it was wrong. I tried to tell my mom, but the words would not leave my mouth. Then one day, he stopped. I felt shame for wanting him again. I felt abandoned. I hated him for years.

When I wrote my Fourth Step, I realized that I had to include the word molest. That was hard for me to acknowledge, even to my sponsor. I hated that my brother took my innocence. I had a lot of unanswered questions. However, I moved forward, and eventually it was time for Step Nine.

My first amends was to my mom. We got on the subject of my brother, and she told me that he had been abused by a woman who had told him to practice at home. He practiced on me and then went to my sister when she started puberty. That’s why he abandoned me.

Although it sickened me to hear this, it changed my heart. I felt sorry for my brother and my sister. I had compassion and empathy for my abuser! Later, I was able to make amends for things I had done to him. My burden was lifted. It was painful to explore this chapter in my past, but it was worth it. My serenity is worth it.

Serenity is a choice I can make at any time.