May 24

“By God’s grace I don’t have to fall into my old pattern of thinking.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 284

For too long, anyway.

I can get tired of being a responsible adult. I want to give up making decisions for myself and others. I want someone else to tell me what to do. It’s not that anything is wrong. I just get tired. And then, I may fall into a hole. But I am a sex addict, and when I fall into that hole, my addict gets energized. I start fantasizing, overeating, losing my spiritual focus, and cutting back on program calls and step work.

In the hole, I am tempted to use willpower to force myself out, but it doesn’t work. I just fall back in. I had to learn to surrender and let my Higher Power lead me out.

Surrender starts with accepting myself for being tired of adulthood (surrendering my self-judgment). Then I acknowledge my hole-y emotions: sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, and fear (surrendering my self-avoidance). Finally, I ask my Higher Power to teach me and lead me through this hole (surrendering my self-management). I then become right-sized, and adulthood soon returns.

The holes are opportunities for my Higher Power to teach and re-teach me lessons about surrender, lessons that I have passed on to others in recovery.

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Even if I fall into a hole, it can be a passage to learning and healing.