“Our disease kept us from being fully present when we were sexual.…Many of us recognize healthier sexuality when we experience something very different from what we knew in our addiction.”
Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 71
When I eat a piece of bread, I don’t usually think about who grew the wheat, what it took for the wheat to become bread, or how many hands it passed through before landing in mine. I’m disconnected from that whole series of events, and I don’t feel much gratitude and appreciation for what I’ve been given.
Likewise, I missed out on so much when I was caught up in my disease. I missed out on true connection with my partner by not being present during sex. Like the attitudes modeled in sexually explicit media, I was disconnected from the deeper meaning of those interactions, leaving nothing but a mere shadow of actual intimacy. Those behaviors don’t serve me.
In recovery I practice being present by being still and observing what my senses tell me. I allow myself to experience my emotions without judging them, denying them, or burying them. I am starting to accept my partner’s loving affection, and to allow myself to both give and receive sexual nurturing while being fully in the moment. This brings deeper meaning and connection in our relationship, and greater satisfaction in our sexual experiences. Being present allows any moment to open up in rich and rewarding ways whether I’m eating toast or connecting with my partner.
Higher Power, please help me be present and mindful in all I do today.