“We do not judge members who relapse, because we know that we are all powerless over this disease.”
Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 67
I recently discovered why I constantly judge others and compare myself to them. It stems from fear. Some part of me believes that if I can find out how I am different or better than someone else, I will be protected from whatever struggles they are currently facing. Of course, this is irrational. It is a habit that runs extremely deep, though, and I fall into it on many occasions.
Not too long ago, a fellow recovery partner relapsed. I felt like the two of us had been walking on water together, staying sober one day at a time by the grace of God. But the waves of addiction pulled my partner back under. I was paralyzed with fear for several days. The voices of my own disease chimed in, “You’re next.”
I started judging and comparing myself with my friend, trying to find the fatal flaw that led to relapse, a flaw that I didn’t possess so I could be safe from that fate. I couldn’t find anything different about me to explain why I was still sober and my friend was not. Just like everyone else, I am human, susceptible to all things human, and powerless over my disease. While it is not for me to judge others, perhaps my depending upon God a little bit more helps me stay sober.
For today, I accept my humanness and find guidance and courage in my Higher Power.