October 21

“When we were active in our addiction, it was difficult to stop our sexual preoccupations.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 5

My acting out degraded my life and wounded those I care about, but I think the greatest loss from this disease is years of precious time. My life is rich and there are never enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. When I was in my addiction, those same opportunities were there, but only a fraction, if any, ever got attention. I was preoccupied with sex: planning, acting, regretting, dreading discovery, fabricating lies, avoiding people and places, wondering why I couldn’t stop, blaming others, etc.

I calculated the time I spent just downloading porn (not planning or disposing or using or worrying), and it came to well over a year of my life, a year compulsively chasing something that harmed others and me in its creation, pursuit, and possession. If I add the time spent worrying and obsessing, it comes to years, many miserable years.

Thanks to my Higher Power and the program of SAA, I can now be present in this moment. This present, fleeting moment is all I truly have, a gift. If I look within and around, there are opportunities for gratitude, reflection, learning, love, creating, sharing, receiving… the list is endless. All I have to do is choose to be here, now, and ask my Higher Power for guidance.

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This is a beautiful day when I ask for guidance and do what I can.