October 26

“Throughout this process, we carefully examine our motives, always balancing the willingness to take full responsibility for our wrongs with care and concern for the well-being of those we
have harmed.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 50

I entered recovery in another program. In my first Eighth Step, three former partners topped the list. The perceived wisdom at the time was that my amends would be to stay out of their lives. Twenty years later, in SAA, my current Eighth Step was fairly short. My new sponsor asked me if there were any from earlier Eighth Steps still un-amended. I immediately mentioned the three former partners. My sponsor suggested I start drafting letters to them. I consented adding, “But we’re going to burn the letters and throw the ashes in the ocean, right?”

His response was, “Well, actually, I was thinking you might try to get their contact information while you’re drafting the letters.” I was dumbstruck and felt a strong resistance rising up in me. However, I’d been in recovery long enough to know that the resistance was the disease talking. I had also learned, the hard way, to follow my sponsor’s lead on all amends.

I agreed and began, haltingly. I started with the letters—that was emotionally easier. I had no contact with these good people for almost twenty years. Over the next month, one of them pinged a website where I am a charter member, and the other two contacted me! I didn’t have to search for contact information—it was handed to me. Needless to say, with my sponsor’s guidance, I gratefully made the amends.

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They’re right—miracles do happen. All I have to bring is willingness and an open mind.