September 10

“For some, negative consequences of addictive sexual behaviors can become the motivation for change.”

Sex Addicts Anonymous and the Lesbian / Gay /
Bisexual / Transgender Sex Addict, page 6

When I approached SAA for the first time, I was full of fear. I, like many others, was afraid of being judged or condemned by those in the meeting. I was afraid of friends and family finding out I had a problem. I was especially afraid I’d see someone I knew at the meeting. Furthermore, many of my actions were illegal, and I feared someone breaking anonymity and reporting me to the police. On the other hand, the thought of continuing the status quo of my addiction had also become terrifying.

I felt like I was being pulled between two poles of fear. On the north pole is my addiction with its fears: arrest, disease, losing those I love, and the unending misery and shame. On the south pole are the fears of recovery: being judged, losing friends and family when they learn of my problem, being vulnerable, and facing myself.

The time came when I had to weigh the two poles and decide which I feared more: my addiction or my recovery. Recovery can be frightening, and the journey is often painful, but, unlike addiction, the path of recovery offers light, hope, and serenity—an actual life. There I can become a real person in the real world.

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Since I must face fears, I will choose the path with hope.