“As long as we can be honest, even a little bit, we can move forward in our recovery.”
Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 23
Because of my addiction, I have spent most of my life lying, denying, and living a secret life. Being honest was a convenience to be used when it suited my purposes. My primary motivation was to continue acting out and to keep that part of my life a secret. When that way of living came crashing down around me, I was scared, alone, and had no idea of how to save my life. SAA and the Twelve Steps were the lifeboat that rescued me. All that was required was a desire to stop my addictive sexual behavior, and honesty.
My commitment to the Twelve Steps was sincere, but my desire and honesty were not complete. After a lifetime of addictive behavior, I questioned, even feared, what life would be like without it. I admitted and accepted responsibility for my actions, but found reasons to explain or rationalize them. The Twelve Steps are ordered for a reason. Recovery is a process, and I became better at as I progressed. So it is with honesty, especially to myself. It takes time to give up old rationalizations and self-pity. Each day I was as honest as I could be, even if it was just a little bit. Each day the honesty grew, especially with myself.
God help me to be gentle with myself as I grow in my recovery.