“If we feel overwhelmed in this way, we turn to the God of our understanding and to our program friends for support in facing the pain of our actions and finding the willingness to make amends.”
Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 48
Looking over my Eighth Step, I felt overwhelmed. My Fourth Step revealed the defect of dishonesty in all but two of my resentments and harms. I knew I needed to be honest when I made my amends, but I just didn’t want to. I had been honest with myself, God, and my sponsor. I wished that were good enough, but my heart said otherwise.
Turning back to my Eighth Step, I felt different, more willing. Yes, I had harmed these people, but today I had not harmed anyone. I rested in that fact. This is how I wanted to live—not harming others.
Any willingness I felt, I rested in, and prayed God would build on that willingness. I contemplated the good that can come from making my amends. I could right wrongs I had done, clear my conscience, and have a closer relationship with my Higher Power. I felt hopeful.
I was careful not to fantasize about outcomes from these amends; I can’t control the response. I reminded myself that I’m making amends for me because it’s the right thing to do and because God wants me to learn and experience love. I became willing by sitting in the serenity I felt that day, and I realized that this peace will continue to grow as I do the footwork.
Grant me willingness to be willing.